# 5 Softening

## Understanding Softening

{% embed url="<https://youtu.be/PYcyo6KHHVU>" %}

## Practice Visual

<img src="https://2476744396-files.gitbook.io/~/files/v0/b/gitbook-x-prod.appspot.com/o/spaces%2FFtfcR0gXrnJrT6J9QcUt%2Fuploads%2FCfw3jNdrad1yDTmiGbSB%2Ffile.excalidraw.svg?alt=media&#x26;token=ef95f251-920d-4f7d-923b-fed0e8e16d7d" alt="" class="gitbook-drawing">

## Guided Practice

### Softening - Long Version

{% embed url="<https://youtu.be/ssBDxIMBkAw>" %}

### Softening - Short Version

{% embed url="<https://youtu.be/cEkuxG2fbn0>" %}

## Core Instructions

<table><thead><tr><th width="154"></th><th></th></tr></thead><tbody><tr><td><strong>What</strong></td><td>Cultivating a foundation of body and mind that allows to weaken any negative habits i.e., resistance-based and strengthening any positive habits i.e., equanimity-based </td></tr><tr><td><strong>Benefits</strong></td><td><ul><li><p>Softness as one's Guide </p><ul><li>thoughts, opinions, values, behavior etc., are filtered and guided by softness</li></ul></li></ul><p></p><ul><li>Weakening of Negative Habits</li></ul><p></p><ul><li>Facilitating &#x26; Strengthening of Positive Habits</li></ul><p></p><ul><li>Calm &#x26; Relaxation</li></ul><p></p><ul><li><p>Clarity</p><ul><li>Understanding of the nature of the mind and its habits</li></ul></li></ul></td></tr><tr><td><strong>Progress</strong></td><td><p><strong>Recognize</strong></p><ul><li>Excessive Effort</li><li>Necessary Effort</li><li>Effortlessness</li></ul><p></p><p><strong>Release/Softening into</strong></p><ul><li>Excessive Effort </li><li>Strengthening Softness/Effortlessness</li></ul><p></p><p><strong>Enjoyment</strong></p><ul><li>Release of Effort</li><li>Effortlessness</li></ul><p><br><strong>Understanding the Recurring Nature</strong></p><ul><li>Nowhere to get to</li><li>Naturally cycling through recognize release enjoy</li><li>Bringing softness to every experience</li></ul></td></tr><tr><td><strong>Instructions</strong> </td><td><p></p><ol><li><strong>Recognizing</strong></li></ol><ul><li>Disenchanting with Non-Softness</li><li>Enchanting with Softness </li></ul><p></p><ol start="2"><li><strong>Softening</strong></li></ol><ul><li>Releasing the excessive effort underlying non-softness</li><li>Supporting the softness to grow</li></ul><p></p><ol start="3"><li><strong>Enjoy</strong></li></ol><ul><li>Enjoying the relief or deepening of how nice it feels to let go</li></ul><p></p><ol start="4"><li><strong>Fades &#x26; Repeat</strong></li></ol><p></p></td></tr><tr><td><strong>Consider</strong></td><td><p></p><p><strong>Nowhere to get to</strong></p><ul><li>Following your mind's response rather than forcing it to be a certain way</li><li>Cycling naturally through the phases of recognize release enjoy or distress, letting go and calm</li></ul><p></p><p><strong>Opportunity View</strong></p><ul><li><p>Every moment is an opportunity to update one's habits towards </p><ul><li>becoming disenchanted with excessive effort, and enchanted with letting go</li><li>weakening habits based on excessive effort and strengthening habits based on letting go</li></ul></li></ul></td></tr><tr><td><strong>Daily Life</strong></td><td><p></p><p><strong>Allowing Softness to guide you.</strong><br></p><p>Softening into any softness present and noticing how it benefits you &#x26; your environment</p><ul><li>e.g., gratitude, calm</li></ul><p></p><p>Softening into any non-softness present and notice how it benefits you &#x26; your environment</p><ul><li>e.g., stress, tension, fear<br></li></ul></td></tr><tr><td><strong>Acknowledgement</strong></td><td><a href="https://www.midlmeditation.com">MIDL</a></td></tr></tbody></table>

## Elaboration

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### Introduction

This practice develops the skill to relax the effort in our mind via&#x20;

* relaxation of body via exhale
* relaxation of the mind via relaxing the eyes & frontal lobe of the brain
  * Please note that when you read 'frontal lobe of the brain' that this relates to how it feels like experientially, not necessarily actually being the frontal lobe of the brain which is relaxed. It is the felt-sense that is described.

### Practice

**Relaxing the Body**

1. Contact the relaxation of the whole of your body on every exhale
   * Notice the relaxation, softening of your eyes, jaw, shoulders, arms, etc.
2. Notice the release of effort underlying tension within your body - on every exhale
3. Enjoy the pleasure from releasing effort - on every exhale
4. Gently slow down the exhale to intensify the relaxation
   * Slow down in a comfortable and gentle way.&#x20;
   * Discomfort is a sign of excessive trying, hence relax and be more gentle.

**Relaxing the Mind**

1. Bring your awareness to the exhale on the tip of the nose
2. Relax your eyes and the frontal lobe of your brain on every exhale
   * This may be experienced as e.g., eyes becoming heavy, falling asleep, sigh, relief, surrendering, letting go
   * You may also notice the rest of your body relaxing, releasing effort&#x20;
3. Notice that when you relax the eyes & frontal lobe - mental activity such as thinking reduce or stop&#x20;
4. Notice the effort underlying mental activity
5. Enjoy the letting go of effort underlying mental activity

<img src="https://2476744396-files.gitbook.io/~/files/v0/b/gitbook-x-prod.appspot.com/o/spaces%2FFtfcR0gXrnJrT6J9QcUt%2Fuploads%2FBlpEoiaoE4OICUDQqdVD%2FSoftening.excalidraw.svg?alt=media&#x26;token=70ba9697-6c0f-4ddf-9fc3-35d193417500" alt="" class="gitbook-drawing">
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{% tab title="Understanding" %}
A significant amount of our negative experiences, that is physical or mental pain is caused by Non-Equanimity. That is by our own resistance to the experience, not the experience itself.

* **Suffering = Pain (of actual experience)  X Resistance (to actual experience)**

**Softening** helps to reduce physical and most importantly, mental resistance via releasing the effort required for resisting.

### Why we practice how we practice

**Relaxing the eyes & frontal lobe of your brain**

* I experience the reduction or stopping of some mental activities when I relax the area around and just behind my eyes.&#x20;

**Effort**

* Effort underlies mental activity such as negative rumination, resistance to our experience
* Softening allows to release that effort in a gentle way and with it the reduction of negative rumination and resistance

**Slowing down the breathing**

* Slowing down the breathing facilitates calmness which facilitates releasing effort
* Slowing down allows us to simply have more time on every softening which facilitates deepening
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{% tab title="Progress" %}

<table><thead><tr><th width="251"></th><th>Level 1 - Non-Skilled</th><th width="161">Level 2 - Skilled</th><th>Level 3 - Maturity</th></tr></thead><tbody><tr><td><p><strong>Essence</strong></p><ul><li>Ability to notice &#x26; release the resistance &#x26; effort within the mind</li></ul></td><td><ul><li>Unable to notice </li><li>Unable to release </li></ul></td><td><ul><li>Ability to notice most</li><li>Ability to release most</li></ul></td><td><ul><li>Ability to notice all</li><li>Ability to release all</li></ul></td></tr><tr><td><p><strong>Example</strong></p><ul><li>Ruminating due to being afraid of a conversation or meeting<br></li></ul></td><td><ul><li>Mind is free to continue ruminating </li></ul></td><td><ul><li>The fuel of ruminating &#x26; fear is noticed and slowly reduced </li><li>Rumination slowly decreases</li></ul></td><td><ul><li>Rumination &#x26; fear gradually but consistently vanish</li></ul></td></tr></tbody></table>
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{% tab title="Daily Life" %}

#### Intention

* Noticing the moments of non-equanimity that is when you dislike or excessively long for something. Soften the effort underlying those.&#x20;
* Enjoy the pleasure of relief. The relief from releasing effort and struggling.

#### Common Scenarios

* Before a frightening conversation or meeting
  * Noticing the tensions and fear within the body, the activity within the mind and take some softening breaths
* Having anger towards another or one-self
  * Notice the tension within the body, the activity of the mind and take some softening breaths
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